Lay down EVERY burden!

Hebrews 12: 1-2; 11-13
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God...For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore, lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed."

This is EXACTLY what I needed for today. I'm feeling super stressed and swamped. I've been worrying. But it's like God is saying, "Lay it down. I'll take the burden!" Since I have all of these examples of Christ-followers, I need to lay aside my burdens and my sins, and run with endurance this race, and keep my eyes on Jesus who found, and is perfecting, my faith. I need to look at Christ's example, who joyfully endured the cross- and look where He is now! He's seated at the right hand of God!

I am not enduring a cross, but I do have a full plate of student teaching assignments to do. God is disciplining me for righteousness. He's preparing me for His plans. I need to go about this with joy! Not stress or worrying. "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" So I will lift my drooping hands to my glorious Father, strengthen my weak knees to run with endurance, and make straight paths for my feet, not wandering off to temporary pleasures and treasures of this world! My eyes are on You Jesus! You found me and you are continually sanctifying me. Make me more like You.

God's Rest

God is so faithful. Tonight I finally had the freedom in my schedule to just sit down and dig into the Word, rather than the skim reading I've been doing. So I've been reading Hebrews and the writer keeps talking in chapter 4 about entering into God's "rest". I looked at cross-references and dug in and came to find that entering God's rest is entering God's presence. So I decided to get my guitar out and sing. I sang a couple songs, read some psalms, and then I was just HIT by the presence of God. It was amazing and completely real. The only thing I could utter was, "I am not worthy, but worthy is the Lamb." That's all I could think to say. And God was THERE. I haven't felt his presence like that in so long. It brought me to tears and I just sang my heart out to God.

I want life to be like that always. I want to feel His presence with me everywhere I go. There is a danger of worshiping that "feeling" more than worshiping the Lord, but we can't cut the feelings out of worship!!! Worship uses our emotions! As John Piper's ministry says, and is founded on, "God is more glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." In other words, the MOST WORSHIPFUL way of glorifying God is by enjoying Him and being in His presence.

Now, here's a question: Is it possible to feel God's presence all the time, or maybe more often than not? This is something I have questions about. In Scripture, the authors constantly get to the point that God is our strength in trials and persecution and suffering. Paul says in 2 Corinthians that we are sorrowful, yet always rejoicing, being poor but making many rich, having nothing yet possessing everything. So there's this sense that, in accordance with the world, we are sorrowful, poor, and have nothing. But with God, we have joy, riches, and everything we need.

Maybe this question is better- "Is it okay to be on a spiritual plateau?" Can we just accept that, yes, there will be times in our lives that we read scripture, pray, and just don't feel the presence of God? This past week was like that. I would be cautious to say that 'that's okay'. I don't think that it's okay to NOT feel the presence of God! There's something terribly wrong with that! We need God's presence more than anything else on this earth. So what do we do? We pray and dig in- as much as we can! We don't relent. And God is faithful. He will meet us if we come.

Now, are there purposes for spiritual plateaus in our lives? Of course. God may be teaching us things in these times, though we may not see it. God may be showing us that we need to trust in Him and not our own "works", such as Bible reading and journaling and prayer, to get by. Maybe we need to switch things up...jump to a new part of scripture, go on a walk in the woods, get off of facebook!

God is faithful and will meet us. But we must persevere and continue seeking Him. I'm so thankful for tonight and the fact that I can enter into His "rest".

Random thoughts/prayers. Hebrews 2: 1-4

Lately I just don't feel Him.
Lately my prayers seem to just bounce off the walls.
Lately I've been drinking from my own broken cisterns.

I need an awakening; a divine wake-up call.
I need to refresh; I need a new start.
Cleanse me, Lord; restore to me the JOY of my salvation.

My sin is always before me; against You and You only have I sinned.
Every day I am full of sin.
Who will save me from this flesh? Thanks be to Jesus Christ for His sacrifice!

I want this whole sanctification process to be faster and easier.
I just want one of those Staples easy buttons that solves all my problems.
I just want to glorify God with all that I do and forsake my sinfulness.
But I'm human and I stumble and I fall. I'm sick of failing.

I'm sick of workloads. I'm sick of teaching. I'm sick of portfolio crap. I'm sick of bull-crap papers that are pointless. I want to just go into a coma and not be bothered by any one for a week. I need to rest. I need to have fun. I need to get out. I need to sleep. I need thanksgiving break. I need friends.

I wish there were more time in the day. I want to play guitar more. I want to write more music. I want to write more poetry. I want to read more books.

This is, like, the most depressing blog ever. I'm not depressed...I'm just blahhhh...

I've been acquiring so much knowledge about God. But I don't feel Him. Lately the focus has been on WHY Jesus is the only way. And I've received responses from people that doubt the Bible's authenticity or say that Jesus' only message was love and the apostles just expanded on it too much when they wrote the Bible. People have sent me links to back up their points of view and I read everything they send. I research. I think for myself. I align with scripture. And I'm burnt out. My faith isn't shaken, but it's being weakened the more I burn myself out over this. I need to let this go for a bit and just trust. The Bible IS the Word of life. I believe it is. Nothing will shake that. No argument, no human. My devo's today reminded me of the authenticity of Jesus' message of salvation:

Hebrews 2: 1-4
"Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it. For since the message declared by angels proved to be reliable, and every transgression or disobedience received a just retribution, how shall we escape if we neglect such a great salvation? It was declared at first by the Lord, and it was attested to us by those who heard, while God also bore witness by signs and wonders and various miracles and by gifts of the Holy Spirit distributed according to his will."

I need to keep this in my focus always and chew on it so that I stand firm in it and don't drift away from this. The message is reliable (Christ is over all!) and every sin and conscious rebellion receives its just punishment, so therefore, how can we escape punishment if we ignore this salvation? This salvation is our hope! We must not lose sight of this: Christ paid the price of our sin and has drawn us into the Father's kingdom by his glorious grace.

This message was declared by the Lord, himself so we can't ignore his spoken Word! And in addition, hundreds of people saw Jesus after his resurrection and were eye-witnesses so there is more proof! Lastly, the signs, wonders, and miracles of Christ and the apostles, along with the spiritual gifts (willed by God), testify that this message of salvation is to be taken seriously and accepted!

So I'm just going to continue seeking the Lord and keeping my eyes fixed to the cross where my hope is found. Already, from the beginning of this blog to this sentence, I feel more at peace. I think I just needed to vent.

Thank you Lord for your kindness to me, that has led me to repentance again and again. And thank you for your grace that has washed me again and again. Continue to sanctify me Lord; I'm assured that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. I'm waiting for that day Lord and I will serve you with all that I am as if every day were my last.

Philippians 2: 14-16

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe, as you hold out the word of life- in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing."

Further instructions from Paul on how to live each day. I just love Philippians- it's soaked with commands of how to live a Christ-centered life and "work out your salvation". What I love about this chapter is that Paul talks about humility in the previous verses and then uses Christ as the pinnacle example of humility. He then writes of the glory of Christ and that we are to confess that Jesus is Lord and bow before him. Then Paul says "Therefore". Because of what Christ has done in humility and because of the glory of who He is, "continue to work out your salvation!" I love it- choice of words and everything. Salvation IS a one-time deal but it needs to be continually worked out in response to the gospel! What a seemingly paradoxical conclusion- but it's how we are to live!

So then, further instruction on how to work out salvation. Being joyful always! Do NOTHING while complaining. We're working for God- how could we grumble or bicker?! When you complain, people notice. It's not an amiable or attractive quality to have. We're called to shine like STARS in this universe. That's bright. We're not flashlights or fireflies that shine pretty bright but turn off after a little bit. We're STARS that never are to burn out or turn off. And the Holy Spirit sustains that light as we "hold out the word of life".

[Tangent] The Bible is the word of life- it's not a book about how you can be a better person; it's not a self-help book. It's a book about GOD, the story of redemption, bringing all the glory to Him. So we must read the Bible to know more of who God is and not go into it thinking, "Oh, David and Goliath- that's a story about how I can defeat things in my life." NO- that's a story that points to Christ because Christ is the greater David that defeated sin! (these are concepts I've taken from sermons of Matt Chandler and John Piper)

But the point is, we must CLING to the 'word of life' and be willing to SUFFER for it as Paul did. No one can separate us from the love of God. So, with that hope and security, we can have confidence in suffering to illuminate the gospel and glorify God.

my goal for october

I've set a new goal for my life: journal every day during my devo's. What I do is I read a chapter, pick out a verse that sticks out to me, and write that verse in my journal. Then I just reflect on the verse and make observations. Next I find practical, specific ways of applying it to my life. Finally I write out a prayer. Since I've been doing that for the past four days I feel it's really given me a better knowledge of my purpose each day. Today, for example, I found myself quoting my "verse for the day" and it really did make today that much better. So this was my journal entry this morning:
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Monday, October 4th, 2010
Phil. 2: 3-4
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

Observations:
This world is all about pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps and getting stuff done on your own- being an ambitious person. But Christians are called not to selfish ambition or vain conceit, but to put others first. What if my life reflected these verses? What kind of impact would that have? How would it affect my relationships?
If I looked to the interests of others, I would ask them how their day went and ACTUALLY listen when they answer back. I would bake cookies for my housemates just out of the blue. I would call up old friends just to see how they're doing. I would pay for the person's coffee behind me at the Dunkin Donuts drive-through. I would help an old lady put her groceries in her car. I would REALLY look different and I would shine the light of Christ in the community around me.

Application:
-make an effort to listen when I ask a question
-bake cookies for my housemates
-call up some old friends
-be aware of the needs around me
-next time at DD's, pay for coffee behind me

Prayer:
Lord, may my words and actions reflect your gospel. May I truly consider others greater than myself. May I love others as you have loved them. Thank you for the cross Lord. It's only by your grace that I am Your child and I want to look to the interests of others as a response to Your love. Overwhelm me with Your love. Continue Your sanctifying work in my life. Make me more like Jesus every day.
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So that's all it takes- half hour at least any time in the day. It's my challenge for the month of October and already I've seen incredible growth in my walk. I challenge anyone reading this to try it out. If you're not satisfied with your walk with the Lord, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Dig into His Word. And don't expect radical transformations overnight. It takes time. But some day you'll get to a point where you can look back and smile because of the grace of God and how he has been working in your life. He wants to show you more of who He is. And if you're not in His Word you have a SIGNIFICANTLY less chance of hearing from Him. As a good friend always said to me..."I'll get off my soapbox now."

the street preachers get it!

Inadequacy. That's all I feel today. I don't even know why. God has plans for me, but I just don't think that it involves music education.

I love music and I think it should undoubtedly be taught in the schools. But it's not my passion! There's only been a couple days where I've gone into school and been excited to teach kids music. It's just not a passion of mine. I want to share the gospel with the kids. I want to explain to them the infinite love of God, but unfortunately public schools don't allow me to mention such things. I know I could be a good music teacher. I know that I could have an impact on the students and teachers in my community. But the way I see it is that this life is short and I don't want to waste my time wishing I could open up to these kids about the gospel! I want to directly preach the gospel.

Now, if I choose to directly preach the gospel, I have to do just that. I have to be bold. I have to "always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks me to give the reason for the hope that I have." [1 Peter 3:15]

This past summer I was sitting in an applebee's with my friend and he said to me, "if you and I actually understood the vital fact that most of the people in this restaurant are going to hell, we'd want to do something about it! But the problem is...most Christians don't consciously think with that mindset." The truth is, the guy on the street corner gets it. He gets the urgency of the gospel. If you read Matthew 10, Jesus is PREACHING THE URGENCY OF THE GOSPEL! WE NEED TO GET OUT THERE! THE WORLD NEEDS THIS! But instead we sit in our little Christian bible studies and listen to our CCM radio and hang out with our church friends on weekends. WE NEED TO GET OUT THERE. I NEED TO GET OUT THERE. and TEACHING music, yes, it's out there in the world. But it's not my passion.

Preaching the gospel is my passion. Music is my passion. How can I combine the two? Well that's something I'm still praying about...

EDIT:
I do have to add that the one time in my life that I felt the most purpose was when I went to Dominican Republic this summer. I mean, God just was THERE. He was working and we could see it. Now how can I bring that purpose back overseas with me here?

thoughts of a frustrated student teacher

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This whole teaching thing isn't easy. I was definitely warned that there would be days where I come home and say, "wow, today was a fantastic day," and other days where I come home and want to change my major. Today is the latter.

I am so overwhelmed by so many things I need to improve on. When you're up in front of 60 students there is so much to think about! You have to keep everyone engaged, make sure you're conducting properly, know the music and cue sections when to come in, fix problems that arise, remind students to have good posture, remember your lesson plan and be willing to adapt to changes that happen, be authoritative and commanding, etc. etc. etc..................

I thought I did pretty well today; sure, there are things I need to work on. But I thought that I improved from last time. But when I got feedback from my teacher I realized all these things I'm doing wrong. I'm just so frustrated and feel like quitting.

But I also know that God has been pressing on my heart that I am going to face troubles in this life. It's not going to be easy. As I read my Bible each day I've been hearing His voice saying these things. I think He's preparing me for something big. I know He is. He has great plans for me and I simply want to glorify Him in all that I do- whatever that may be. But yesterday He spoke to me these verses:

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 - "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

This pertains to suffering, yes. I am not suffering, but I am not comfortable in this season of risk. But I am not losing heart because I know that inwardly God is renewing me day by day, though outwardly I am tired, grouchy, and fatigued. It is far better for me to be struggling this semester than to just breeze along without any problems. God never promises that we won't encounter problems. In fact, Jesus promised his disciples that they WOULD have troubles, yet we can be convinced that NOTHING will separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.

That is my hope.

Reflections on Summer

So the school year has begun. I cannot believe all that God's done in my life in this past year. As I look back and reflect I can see his hand at work through it all. God's SOVEREIGN will was that I would walk away. I would turn my back on Him and turn to other things. But I've come back. Grace has washed over my faults and I have really been seeking this sanctification, a response to what God has done for me through sending His son Jesus to die on the cross. I have been filled with the Holy Spirit more and more through the months and I've come to understand what that means.

This summer I met a girl. I wasn't looking for anything. I was simply seeking the Lord. But she started coming to our college Bible study every week and we gradually grew closer. There came a point where we were pretty much dating without the label. She is a beautiful woman with such a heart for God. She's so patient and kind and forgiving. But we differed on so many spiritual beliefs.

I went through a period of a couple weeks where I would just throw scripture in her face to prove her wrong and her feelings would be hurt and the conversations would end in anger. I knew in my head and heart that I was right, but the way I did it was completely wrong. I still am confident that the knowledge God has shown me through scripture is accurate. But knowledge puffs up and I became prideful in my wisdom of certain topics.

After those weeks of arguments I flopped to the other end of the spectrum and decided to just forget about spiritual beliefs because eventually God will bring us to the same page, right? Wrong. And I regret that decision. We grew closer and closer and her heart opened to me more and more. Mine to her as well.

A few days before I left for school I broke things off with her. I told her that I feel an absence of peace in my heart about it all and the majority of it is that I know in my mind that this would not work in the future if we both stick to our beliefs. If I believe with all my heart that God is sovereign but my wife disagrees, then what do we tell our kids? If I believe that a baptism of the Holy Spirit occurs upon salvation in Jesus Christ and my wife thinks that it's something to be sought and prayed over after the fact, then what do we tell our kids? It just would not work. And I knew that for a long time.

So I broke it off. And it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. Am I throwing away something that is beautiful? Potentially. But I know that God is IN CONTROL and has far better purposes for both of us. And if God's will for me, right now, is to be single and seek Him with all my heart each day, then so be it. I surrender EVERY aspect of my life to Him.

Psalm 19:14

Today is my birthday. 22 years old. Cool beans.

So anyway, God has revealed himself to me today. Today I went into work at my church and told Adam (the youth pastor) that I needed to go and spend some time in prayer. So I walked upstairs and found a quiet room to just sit and pray. I asked God to speak through me and tell me what to pray because I didn't know what to say. What I kept repeating OVER and OVER were the words, "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to You God." I prayed it for a good half hour with a lot of variations. I didn't remember where it was in the Bible; I just prayed it because I felt led to pray it.

I came back downstairs to the office and Adam said to me, "Hey Matt, so I'm thinking for our devo's on the upcoming camping trip we should center it on Psalm 19." And I was like, "sure yeah. That's cool." Then he read the last verse of it. "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to You." HOLY CRAP. That's exactly what i just prayed on the other side of the building!!! And that's exactly what he read in his devotions while I was praying! I was blown away. Speechless. Coincidence? Of all the words in the Bible, for us to read/speak the same words AT THE SAME TIME? That's God. That's totally God.

to obey is better than sacrifice

So I've been reading out of 1 Samuel lately and it's amazing how much lack of knowledge I had about this stuff. I've never read anything between Exodus and Psalms.

I just read 1 Samuel 15 today and by the end I literally had to go back to the beginning and reread it. It was just that interesting. Saul has been anointed king for a good portion of time now and God is testing Saul's faithfulness in this chapter. He commands Saul to take his army and attack the wicked Amalekites, kill their king (Agag), and destroy ALL their animals. So Saul obeys...sort of. He kills most of them, captures Agag, and destroys all of the worthless animals. Samuel (the prophet) receives a word from the Lord. God pretty much says that He is grieving for making Saul king because he did not obey His command."

So Samuel confronts Saul the next day. Samuel goes to where Saul is and sees that Saul's all happy and rejoicing because he thinks he obeyed God. But Samuel pretty much says to him, "Oh? You obeyed God? Well why do I hear these sheep and cattle? I thought you were supposed to kill them." And Saul makes an excuse saying that they kept some animals to sacrifice to God.

So that's a good thing, right? They want to make a sacrifice to God.

Nope. Samuel replies saying that to obey is better than sacrifice. Because Saul has rejected the word of the Lord, God has rejected him as king.

So then Saul apologizes (sort of) and says, "Crap, I sinned...but it was all these people's fault because I was afraid of them so I gave in to them." He's sorry. But he's also making excuses.

From that day forward Saul was no longer even associated with Samuel or the kingship. God was sorry that he ever made him king. And Samuel even stood before God with the Amalekites' king Agag and killed him to finish the job! Wow.

When I read this story, I see a lot of parallels with my life. Oftentimes I will make all these plans even though God may have much better plans for me. But when I decide to do it my way, it's like saying, "No God, You have a good plan, but mine is BETTER." It's like this: if God wanted me to be a pastor but I wanted to be a doctor, I could make an excuse and say, "well if I'm a doctor I can give more money to the church and make more sacrifices to God, so that's a better option." But God would not be pleased with ANY of my offerings because I have rejected His plan for me.

morning by morning new mercies I see!

So I just had one of the best conversations EVER with my mom. And I feel so at peace after it.

I have been wrestling a lot with my future (not like, freaking out, but just questioning things). I'm majoring in Music Education and, as a music educator, I'm supposed to be passionate about students getting a great music education. To be frank, I don't give a crap about that! Music is important to me, but I don't think it's the most important thing in the world and that every kid should take it up. To me, my faith is most important to me and music is just a way that I worship the Lord, enjoy its benefits, and find rest in this chaotic world.

I've been secretly thinking this for awhile, but I also secretly believed that my parents would be disappointed in me if I ever told them I don't want to teach. I've committed three years and a lot of money to this major. But my mom was really encouraging in our talk today. Just because I get a degree in Music Ed doesn't mean I'm limited to that. The fact that I will have a degree will open doors for a lot of different directions and careers.

I think one of the main reasons I don't want to teach music is because I want to serve God DIRECTLY. Teaching music is, in a way, serving Him indirectly; it's not wrong or a bad thing but it's just different. I don't give a hoot whether or not a kid learns how to play piano or appreciates Beethoven's 5th symphony. But I DO care if the student learns the value of having compassion, of serving others, of helping those in need, etc.

I'm completely sick of New England and the people here. Every one is so damn selfish and takes for granted all that God has blessed them with. Even Christians will live comfortable "christian" lives just so they can settle down, get a career (money), get a wife, start a family, get old, and die. I WANNA LIVE FOR CHRIST NO MATTER WHAT THAT TAKES! I read about all these radical Christians doing amazing things for God AND I'M SICK OF THINKING, "THAT'S AMAZING BUT NOT FOR ME." Non-christians in this country don't even want to hear about the gospel. Why should we bother preaching to them if they don't even care. Let's go to those who WANT to hear about it (I know that this is not the healthiest way of thinking about our country, but it's simply what I'm feeling right now).

God has given me an amazing gift for music, so I know that I'm called to do SOMETHING with that. I love leading worship. I love writing music. I'm going to the Dominican in 5 weeks. I know that God is going to work amazingly through myself and the 35 other people on the trip. I'm excited to see how He will work and what He will show me through the experience.

I've made a decision. Next summer, after I graduate college, I am going to travel out west. I'm going to save up money for gas and just drive. I'd like to be accompanied by one friend and I'd like to take just about the entire summer to do it. All I will need is my Bible, an iPod, clothes, and money for food and gas. I'll sleep in the car, shower here and there where I can find places, etc. I just want to live uncomfortably. I don't want to get a summer job and simply work 8-5 every day. I want to know what it's like to not know where I'm going, where the next meal will come from, and where I'm sleeping that night. I want to encounter issues that come along the way and see God's provision. I want to see the country and meet incredible people along the way. I've been wanting to do this ever since I've immersed myself with Donald Miller's books and this is the perfect opportunity and time in my life. Pray for me when it happens.

All of this post to say, I don't know what God is willing for my life. I don't know about this whole teaching thing. I don't know if I'm supposed to stay in New England, travel abroad, or become an astronaut. But I DO know that I want to serve the Lord with all of myself, all of my being. I have a passion for music and a passion for serving God. Wherever God takes me, I will go. But I want to be RADICAL.

To close this novel-ish post, I was in the shower a few hours ago and for some reason the hymn "Great is Thy Faithfulness" began playing in my mind. I was trying to recall the lyrics and only remembered the first verse and chorus. So I began singing it softly and as the words began to penetrate to my heart, I began weeping.

"Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.

"Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!"

children of light

It's been 2 seasons since I've followed
and there's no reason for this sorrow
The drops outside seem so persistent.
When will these clouds subside and leave some room for air

And where's the light I found six months ago?
It's been obscured from all these gray skies in my mind.
been trying so hard to set my mind on things above
been trying so hard to learn to love

and sometimes I just gotta scream
cus the walls keep closing in and I'm stuck in between
but I feel I'm on the edge of the shadow

I'm stepping out in faith
into the light
You're breaking all these chains
binding my heart
And I'm starting to feel free again
as I begin to breathe You in
I'm stepping out in faith
into Your glorious light.

My life is fading with the hourglass
and it keeps changing as the years pass
People enter in and exit
and the draft from the open door gives me chills tonight

So come and fill me with Your warm embrace
Break down my walls so I can see the sun one last time
Still trying so hard to set my mind on things above
The world behind me and it's You I love

And I confess
that I'm a mess

And I confess (that you are the answer)
that I'm a mess (this pride is my cancer)
And I confess (And now I'm trying so hard to)
that I'm a mess (lay my burdens before You)

I'm chasing the sun and seeking light

the ONE who NEVER changes

We change all the time. We're constantly on this journey and, if we have our hearts and minds set on things above, we're constantly trying to form our lives to that of Jesus. He is our model that we are to follow. But this means that we are never to stay the same. We will never fully be perfect until our Father has called us home, so we cannot be satisfied in our sinfulness.

So, we're constantly shifting away from our humanness and towards the Spirit. This says a lot about who we are, but it says even more about who GOD is. He NEVER changes. God is already perfect and He cannot change anymore for the good. That's an amazing thing to think about if you actually ponder it. From the time we were formed in our mother's womb until the day we die God has not changed one bit. He will always be the Almighty, the Maker of everything, the Savior in our lives.

In every trial and in every joy we can still say that God is who He is and He still has the wonderful ability to save us. He has the full right to be arrogant and ignorant of us and let us die. But He's humbled Himself and taken the form of man, and He is nearer to us than we can ever imagine.

So we can sing, "All of my life, in EVERY season, YOU ARE STILL GOD!"

I Gotta Feeling...That This Summer's Gonna Be a Good Time

This walk is anything but easy. It's very difficult. God has been doing CRAZY stuff in my life and really changing me. I honestly don't know why I tried to live for myself all these years because the only joy and satisfaction come from serving Him.

I have just been seeing so much change in myself lately and it's all God's grace. I'm so excited for the ways that He will use me this summer and I want to keep this energy going that I have for Him. It's amazing. It's like that feeling when you go on a youth group retreat to a big conference or whatever and get fired up...except this passion isn't dying off like it did when I was younger and selfish...and I'm not at a huge youth conference.

Humility and Receiving Love

Journaling is essential to growing. I need to do it more. I feel I keep relearning things over and over again and forgetting them in the process. But I guess that's the excitement of this journey. It would be so boring if I learned something once and never had to deal with it again.

So lately I've been learning about humility. Thomas Kempis emphasizes humility ridiculously in "Imitations of Christ" and I think it's the key to Christianity. If we don't humble ourselves, we aren't admitting that we need God, and if we don't admit to ourselves that we need God, then we're pretty hopeless human beings sucked into thinking that we can do it on our own. Humility is essential.

However, another thing I've learned is that humility is not treating yourself like crap and hating yourself. For some reason I seemed to get into that mindset, that I need to see myself as absolutely nothing in order to put God first. But I don't think God wants me to treat myself that way. God VALUES me. I need to see that as well. A friend of mine recently posted on facebook, "The biggest problem with Christians today is that they don't see how valued they are by God." I was outraged by that (not necessarily outraged, but it makes for a better post if I go to the extreme of my emotions). I thought to myself...the greatest problem is that we're too damn proud and not humble enough. But a friend slapped me across the face (figuratively) and made me realize that it's our inability to receive love from God that causes us to become prideful and causes us to pretend that we're "all that". So I guess my friend's post on facebook had a lot of truth; we do need to see our value in Christ a whole lot more...and that, in turn, will affect our character. Because if we cannot receive love from God or from others, how can we give it to others? And if receiving love is wrong, then it's wrong to give it because then we are causing someone else to receive it. And if giving love is wrong, then Jesus lied a lot and this world is completely depraved and hopeless.

I think my friend was right.

for the girl of my youth (truth's revealed)

i stand before this trail and I feel I've done all of this before;
life has brought me here but my eyes can still see your silhouette's lure
twisting through my axons to the terminals where dreams meet reality.

If I had just encapsulated your heart back in our summer's fate
in a box with wheels to drag you here, here in my distant state.
But you keep me further than the stars yet close against your skin.
In this war of heart against my head there's no victory within.

The displacement of your beauty in my mind
is enough to fill the trenches of these valleys that I wind.
But my words fall incoherently upon your eyes
as you read unwritten letters from my character in disguise.

You tease me with your small talk
and seize me as I make my journey home.
My entire life I've had the choice
to listen in to your still soft voice,
but I gave it all up just so I could
flood my ears with traffic noise.

I want to make your senses soar with all of my incessant pouring
into your nerves. I'll see that you will get what you deserve.
This is not the man that played you like a percussive drum;
This is not the one who left your body cold and numb.

I'm chasing the sun and seeking light.

But we'll never coexist in the heart
cus he's the one you kissed. these scars
will never mend, my long-lost friend
until the end.

So I'll take the road less travelled on;
set my eyes on the light at the break of dawn.
Your name will never touch these lips
so don't search for the postscript.

the POWER of God

FIRE FALL DOWN!

I'm really feeling the fire of God in my heart tonight. I've NEVER felt this alive in Christ. What He did tonight in that room was miraculous.

Tonight there was a night of worship and I didn't even want to go. I had so much work to do and it was the last thing I wanted to do, but my friend really encouraged me and I decided to stop by. Boy I'm sure glad I did.

I walked in and the worship was crazy...people screaming and shouting...not my style. But I got into it after a bit and prayed to God to give me a burning desire for Him because I felt so lukewarm. So then members of the team shared their testimonies about their spiritual gifts and the ways that God has changed them and I sat there wondering if I had any spiritual gifts. And then I just felt so overwhelmed by the love of God and the ways that he has changed me in the past few months. I've come from an addiction to lustful actions, a desire to party and live for myself, and a desire to smoke marijuana and feel that "feeling". God has been transforming my heart, mind, and soul just as it says in Romans 12:1-2.

As the band got up and played again, tears POURED down my face as I sang my heart to him. I thanked God for his grace in my life and for transforming me. I didn't care about those around me...I sobbed. And then the sobbing turned to tears of joy. GOD HAS RESURRECTED MY SOUL! How wonderful of a testimony!

Then they had those that wanted prayer come forward. I hesitated thinking that I'd look silly going forward, but I knew I HAD to. There was no other option. So I did and the pastor prayed over me with his hand over my heart. And the words he spoke resonated with such relevance in me. He was saying the things I had been praying all night about...strongholds in my mind that are overwhelming me, God has great plans for my life and wants to use me, my spiritual gift is evangelism?!? (never heard that one before), and that God will use my testimony to bring others who have fallen away back to Him. As his hand was fixed over my heart and as he screamed over me to let God's burning fire fill my heart and soul, my heart felt numb with such a weird feeling. I thought it was going to burst out of my chest like the scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I knew that God's fire and power was filling inside of me.

After the prayer I didn't move. He walked away, but I stayed there...didn't return to my seat...just stayed there and prayed. I asked God to show me how I can use my testimony or how I can reach those who have fallen. Immediately my mind turned to a friend from high school who I had fallen out of friendship with. He had fallen away from his faith and it has been discouraging me since and I felt partially at fault for it. But I felt that God was calling me to contact him (which I had tried over and over with no response on his end). I went back to my laptop and messaged him on facebook. It was a humble message...nothing superficial about it...completely real, informing him that I truly miss his friendship and wish life never brought us to such distant corners. I knew what to expect...I knew he'd write back because I knew that God had great plans for me and that my prayers would be answered. He wrote back and wrote about how he had lost his faith and felt that that was the reason we've lost contact. He said that our faiths connected us and when he lost his it disconnected us too. This is a GREAT step in the right direction and I KNOW that God has great plans to use me for this individual. It's not about me. It's about giving God all the glory and I know that God will use me for His glory.

Earlier today my dad called me about an internship position with the youth group at my church. It's nothing I had considered before and I wasn't really interested. But after the prayer I received tonight I feel that God may be calling me to this. I could use my testimony to these kids. The things that some of them may be struggling with are things that I struggled with and things that I have, by God's grace, come out of. I'm going to continue praying about this, but God has put some great things on my heart tonight. I feel so enamored with joy right now I can't even express it through language.

So this is an extra long post, but I just needed to share what God has done through me tonight. I pray that this fire continues to burn as I wake up each morning and fall on my knees before my maker and savior.

lazy? no, just not working.

life is beautiful. I feel I need a post to contrast all the negative ones I've done. But I am truly happy with life right now. Maybe it's just because I'm not puking today like I was last night, but I'm feeling great today. I'm sitting here in my room and looking out the window at the sun setting over the clear sky. I wish words could express what the eyes see, but they just don't match up. This is a beautiful view; I wish I could always appreciate all the beauty out there.

There's something just refreshing about taking a day off. I work so hard all week and my mind is constantly sending alerts to my body of things that need to get done. And even when I take a day off I feel guilty. Just earlier I was thinking about all the stuff that needs to get done, but it's so rewarding to take a sabbath. I never really considered the value of it and just assumed that it was unnecessary and only a way of getting behind in all of your tasks. Sometimes our bodies just need a day of sleeping, watching TV or movies, reading a book, doing mindless things.

they say that writers can only improve if they write every day...just freely. about anything. I'd like to try that. This is kind of one of my resolutions this year...to become a better writer in hopes to transfer that into my music. My other resolutions include, but are not limited to, buffing up, sky-diving, recording more music, and falling in love. maybe the last one shouldn't be one...that just needs to happen.

anyway, I've been reading this new book by donald miller about making your life a better story. It's all about how you can decide if you want to have a more exciting life story or not. He talks about how he made pretty impulsive decisions that involved risk and sacrifice. He decided to meet his father whom he hadn't seen for over 30 years. He also decided to go on an INTENSE hike that he would never have been capable of unless he trained the hardest he ever had. So he did it and he began living life rather than just sitting around. He stopped watching TV and started getting out.

I should really do that. I don't watch much TV in the first place, but I do sit around a lot. And I always need to have some form of communication within reach...cell phone, laptop, etc. Last night, my cell died and I was at a friend's house...had no way of communicating with the outside world and it felt great! I should just turn my phone off more often and experience those around me more fully rather than sharing my attention and time with them. My thoughts are bouncing all over the place right now.
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This world's so full of people so hollow
like blind men leading a crowd that follows
they all just flip their bottles and swallow
to forget their sorrow and forget tomorrow.

inability to articulate

I haven't written in a long time. Just sat down and written. It's a great way to get thoughts out because I hold a lot in; there is a lot that is left unsaid in my mind and this is the only way that these thoughts will pour out. And when I write they pour out like the floodgates are being opened.

I can't articulate how I feel right now. Sometimes I get in this mood and I can't even articulate whether I like it or not. I guess these moments remind me that I'm alive and they seem to wake me up in some way. They are very reflective and somewhat nostalgic. I feel overwhelmed at the moment with questions about the future. I've been investing so much into a career as a music teacher, but recently I've started recording my music and I've really taken much interest in it. I'm having second thoughts about my major; I've been so persistent on this major since my freshman year and I wonder if I've just been pretending that I want to be a teacher. It's a serious position and a serious workload. I'm responsible for kids learning stuff. Whereas recording, I'd just sit on a computer all day and help people get their music into audio files. I don't know.

The other thoughts on my mind pertain to women. I want to fall in love. My last relationship was a lie; that's an overstatement, but I rushed into the relationship because of the "butterfly" feelings and I never should have dated her. I pretended for so long that I loved her while in my mind I felt trapped and tormented. I feel awful as I look back at the toll it's taken on her and I wish I could make it all right. But back to my desire to fall in love. I want to be so in love with someone that I smile every time I see them, I can't contain myself when I think about them, and I get those feelings that don't go away. I'm sick of boring, old love. I want something new. I've learned a lot from my past relationship. Instead of jumping into another relationship, I've decided I'm going to take things much slower and get to know the person before we kiss, cuddle, whatever. I love those things and tonight I guess I'm realizing how much I miss those cute things like going on walks late at night, holding hands, or cuddling under the stars. But feelings can be deceptive and can lead to undesired relationships that take way too long to break off. I don't want that again.

My mind is also burdened with my ever-approaching graduation from college next year. I don't want to think about the real world yet. I'm still learning- about myself, about God, about life. I'm not ready to work 8-5, pay bills, go to bed early, and wake up the next day and do it all over again. I want to travel the world. I want to write music and tour the country (or maybe just a couple small venues). I want to get in shape again like I used to be in high school. I know I'm not fat, but I've lost some muscle and I feel so tenuous. Back to the point...I don't want to grow up. I like being 21; this is a great age.

So, this is quite a depressing post. Yet, I don't feel depressed...just reflective and obsolete. And I'm not even middle-aged.
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All these empty glasses in this room remind me of my inability to move
But maybe that's the way I like to spend my time until I see what I've become in all this indolence.

But I don't feel depressed, I just needed someone to attest
and remind me that I have no one to hold me.

And if living life should be ecstasy then why can't I seem to agree
when all I feel is nothing. I want it to be something.

So many books I've planned to read, but never have time because I can't seem
to get myself away from what my hands are tied to.
I told myself I'd go to work, but there's a big idea I can't traverse
called getting off my sofa.

Maybe all I need is a nice cold shower to wake me from this sleep that devours all of me.