Inadequacy. That's all I feel today. I don't even know why. God has plans for me, but I just don't think that it involves music education.
I love music and I think it should undoubtedly be taught in the schools. But it's not my passion! There's only been a couple days where I've gone into school and been excited to teach kids music. It's just not a passion of mine. I want to share the gospel with the kids. I want to explain to them the infinite love of God, but unfortunately public schools don't allow me to mention such things. I know I could be a good music teacher. I know that I could have an impact on the students and teachers in my community. But the way I see it is that this life is short and I don't want to waste my time wishing I could open up to these kids about the gospel! I want to directly preach the gospel.
Now, if I choose to directly preach the gospel, I have to do just that. I have to be bold. I have to "always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks me to give the reason for the hope that I have." [1 Peter 3:15]
This past summer I was sitting in an applebee's with my friend and he said to me, "if you and I actually understood the vital fact that most of the people in this restaurant are going to hell, we'd want to do something about it! But the problem is...most Christians don't consciously think with that mindset." The truth is, the guy on the street corner gets it. He gets the urgency of the gospel. If you read Matthew 10, Jesus is PREACHING THE URGENCY OF THE GOSPEL! WE NEED TO GET OUT THERE! THE WORLD NEEDS THIS! But instead we sit in our little Christian bible studies and listen to our CCM radio and hang out with our church friends on weekends. WE NEED TO GET OUT THERE. I NEED TO GET OUT THERE. and TEACHING music, yes, it's out there in the world. But it's not my passion.
Preaching the gospel is my passion. Music is my passion. How can I combine the two? Well that's something I'm still praying about...
EDIT:
I do have to add that the one time in my life that I felt the most purpose was when I went to Dominican Republic this summer. I mean, God just was THERE. He was working and we could see it. Now how can I bring that purpose back overseas with me here?
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
thoughts of a frustrated student teacher
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
This whole teaching thing isn't easy. I was definitely warned that there would be days where I come home and say, "wow, today was a fantastic day," and other days where I come home and want to change my major. Today is the latter.
I am so overwhelmed by so many things I need to improve on. When you're up in front of 60 students there is so much to think about! You have to keep everyone engaged, make sure you're conducting properly, know the music and cue sections when to come in, fix problems that arise, remind students to have good posture, remember your lesson plan and be willing to adapt to changes that happen, be authoritative and commanding, etc. etc. etc..................
I thought I did pretty well today; sure, there are things I need to work on. But I thought that I improved from last time. But when I got feedback from my teacher I realized all these things I'm doing wrong. I'm just so frustrated and feel like quitting.
But I also know that God has been pressing on my heart that I am going to face troubles in this life. It's not going to be easy. As I read my Bible each day I've been hearing His voice saying these things. I think He's preparing me for something big. I know He is. He has great plans for me and I simply want to glorify Him in all that I do- whatever that may be. But yesterday He spoke to me these verses:
2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 - "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
This pertains to suffering, yes. I am not suffering, but I am not comfortable in this season of risk. But I am not losing heart because I know that inwardly God is renewing me day by day, though outwardly I am tired, grouchy, and fatigued. It is far better for me to be struggling this semester than to just breeze along without any problems. God never promises that we won't encounter problems. In fact, Jesus promised his disciples that they WOULD have troubles, yet we can be convinced that NOTHING will separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.
That is my hope.
This whole teaching thing isn't easy. I was definitely warned that there would be days where I come home and say, "wow, today was a fantastic day," and other days where I come home and want to change my major. Today is the latter.
I am so overwhelmed by so many things I need to improve on. When you're up in front of 60 students there is so much to think about! You have to keep everyone engaged, make sure you're conducting properly, know the music and cue sections when to come in, fix problems that arise, remind students to have good posture, remember your lesson plan and be willing to adapt to changes that happen, be authoritative and commanding, etc. etc. etc..................
I thought I did pretty well today; sure, there are things I need to work on. But I thought that I improved from last time. But when I got feedback from my teacher I realized all these things I'm doing wrong. I'm just so frustrated and feel like quitting.
But I also know that God has been pressing on my heart that I am going to face troubles in this life. It's not going to be easy. As I read my Bible each day I've been hearing His voice saying these things. I think He's preparing me for something big. I know He is. He has great plans for me and I simply want to glorify Him in all that I do- whatever that may be. But yesterday He spoke to me these verses:
2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 - "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
This pertains to suffering, yes. I am not suffering, but I am not comfortable in this season of risk. But I am not losing heart because I know that inwardly God is renewing me day by day, though outwardly I am tired, grouchy, and fatigued. It is far better for me to be struggling this semester than to just breeze along without any problems. God never promises that we won't encounter problems. In fact, Jesus promised his disciples that they WOULD have troubles, yet we can be convinced that NOTHING will separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.
That is my hope.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Reflections on Summer
So the school year has begun. I cannot believe all that God's done in my life in this past year. As I look back and reflect I can see his hand at work through it all. God's SOVEREIGN will was that I would walk away. I would turn my back on Him and turn to other things. But I've come back. Grace has washed over my faults and I have really been seeking this sanctification, a response to what God has done for me through sending His son Jesus to die on the cross. I have been filled with the Holy Spirit more and more through the months and I've come to understand what that means.
This summer I met a girl. I wasn't looking for anything. I was simply seeking the Lord. But she started coming to our college Bible study every week and we gradually grew closer. There came a point where we were pretty much dating without the label. She is a beautiful woman with such a heart for God. She's so patient and kind and forgiving. But we differed on so many spiritual beliefs.
I went through a period of a couple weeks where I would just throw scripture in her face to prove her wrong and her feelings would be hurt and the conversations would end in anger. I knew in my head and heart that I was right, but the way I did it was completely wrong. I still am confident that the knowledge God has shown me through scripture is accurate. But knowledge puffs up and I became prideful in my wisdom of certain topics.
After those weeks of arguments I flopped to the other end of the spectrum and decided to just forget about spiritual beliefs because eventually God will bring us to the same page, right? Wrong. And I regret that decision. We grew closer and closer and her heart opened to me more and more. Mine to her as well.
A few days before I left for school I broke things off with her. I told her that I feel an absence of peace in my heart about it all and the majority of it is that I know in my mind that this would not work in the future if we both stick to our beliefs. If I believe with all my heart that God is sovereign but my wife disagrees, then what do we tell our kids? If I believe that a baptism of the Holy Spirit occurs upon salvation in Jesus Christ and my wife thinks that it's something to be sought and prayed over after the fact, then what do we tell our kids? It just would not work. And I knew that for a long time.
So I broke it off. And it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. Am I throwing away something that is beautiful? Potentially. But I know that God is IN CONTROL and has far better purposes for both of us. And if God's will for me, right now, is to be single and seek Him with all my heart each day, then so be it. I surrender EVERY aspect of my life to Him.
This summer I met a girl. I wasn't looking for anything. I was simply seeking the Lord. But she started coming to our college Bible study every week and we gradually grew closer. There came a point where we were pretty much dating without the label. She is a beautiful woman with such a heart for God. She's so patient and kind and forgiving. But we differed on so many spiritual beliefs.
I went through a period of a couple weeks where I would just throw scripture in her face to prove her wrong and her feelings would be hurt and the conversations would end in anger. I knew in my head and heart that I was right, but the way I did it was completely wrong. I still am confident that the knowledge God has shown me through scripture is accurate. But knowledge puffs up and I became prideful in my wisdom of certain topics.
After those weeks of arguments I flopped to the other end of the spectrum and decided to just forget about spiritual beliefs because eventually God will bring us to the same page, right? Wrong. And I regret that decision. We grew closer and closer and her heart opened to me more and more. Mine to her as well.
A few days before I left for school I broke things off with her. I told her that I feel an absence of peace in my heart about it all and the majority of it is that I know in my mind that this would not work in the future if we both stick to our beliefs. If I believe with all my heart that God is sovereign but my wife disagrees, then what do we tell our kids? If I believe that a baptism of the Holy Spirit occurs upon salvation in Jesus Christ and my wife thinks that it's something to be sought and prayed over after the fact, then what do we tell our kids? It just would not work. And I knew that for a long time.
So I broke it off. And it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. Am I throwing away something that is beautiful? Potentially. But I know that God is IN CONTROL and has far better purposes for both of us. And if God's will for me, right now, is to be single and seek Him with all my heart each day, then so be it. I surrender EVERY aspect of my life to Him.
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