morning by morning new mercies I see!

So I just had one of the best conversations EVER with my mom. And I feel so at peace after it.

I have been wrestling a lot with my future (not like, freaking out, but just questioning things). I'm majoring in Music Education and, as a music educator, I'm supposed to be passionate about students getting a great music education. To be frank, I don't give a crap about that! Music is important to me, but I don't think it's the most important thing in the world and that every kid should take it up. To me, my faith is most important to me and music is just a way that I worship the Lord, enjoy its benefits, and find rest in this chaotic world.

I've been secretly thinking this for awhile, but I also secretly believed that my parents would be disappointed in me if I ever told them I don't want to teach. I've committed three years and a lot of money to this major. But my mom was really encouraging in our talk today. Just because I get a degree in Music Ed doesn't mean I'm limited to that. The fact that I will have a degree will open doors for a lot of different directions and careers.

I think one of the main reasons I don't want to teach music is because I want to serve God DIRECTLY. Teaching music is, in a way, serving Him indirectly; it's not wrong or a bad thing but it's just different. I don't give a hoot whether or not a kid learns how to play piano or appreciates Beethoven's 5th symphony. But I DO care if the student learns the value of having compassion, of serving others, of helping those in need, etc.

I'm completely sick of New England and the people here. Every one is so damn selfish and takes for granted all that God has blessed them with. Even Christians will live comfortable "christian" lives just so they can settle down, get a career (money), get a wife, start a family, get old, and die. I WANNA LIVE FOR CHRIST NO MATTER WHAT THAT TAKES! I read about all these radical Christians doing amazing things for God AND I'M SICK OF THINKING, "THAT'S AMAZING BUT NOT FOR ME." Non-christians in this country don't even want to hear about the gospel. Why should we bother preaching to them if they don't even care. Let's go to those who WANT to hear about it (I know that this is not the healthiest way of thinking about our country, but it's simply what I'm feeling right now).

God has given me an amazing gift for music, so I know that I'm called to do SOMETHING with that. I love leading worship. I love writing music. I'm going to the Dominican in 5 weeks. I know that God is going to work amazingly through myself and the 35 other people on the trip. I'm excited to see how He will work and what He will show me through the experience.

I've made a decision. Next summer, after I graduate college, I am going to travel out west. I'm going to save up money for gas and just drive. I'd like to be accompanied by one friend and I'd like to take just about the entire summer to do it. All I will need is my Bible, an iPod, clothes, and money for food and gas. I'll sleep in the car, shower here and there where I can find places, etc. I just want to live uncomfortably. I don't want to get a summer job and simply work 8-5 every day. I want to know what it's like to not know where I'm going, where the next meal will come from, and where I'm sleeping that night. I want to encounter issues that come along the way and see God's provision. I want to see the country and meet incredible people along the way. I've been wanting to do this ever since I've immersed myself with Donald Miller's books and this is the perfect opportunity and time in my life. Pray for me when it happens.

All of this post to say, I don't know what God is willing for my life. I don't know about this whole teaching thing. I don't know if I'm supposed to stay in New England, travel abroad, or become an astronaut. But I DO know that I want to serve the Lord with all of myself, all of my being. I have a passion for music and a passion for serving God. Wherever God takes me, I will go. But I want to be RADICAL.

To close this novel-ish post, I was in the shower a few hours ago and for some reason the hymn "Great is Thy Faithfulness" began playing in my mind. I was trying to recall the lyrics and only remembered the first verse and chorus. So I began singing it softly and as the words began to penetrate to my heart, I began weeping.

"Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.

"Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!"