I haven't written in a long time. Just sat down and written. It's a great way to get thoughts out because I hold a lot in; there is a lot that is left unsaid in my mind and this is the only way that these thoughts will pour out. And when I write they pour out like the floodgates are being opened.
I can't articulate how I feel right now. Sometimes I get in this mood and I can't even articulate whether I like it or not. I guess these moments remind me that I'm alive and they seem to wake me up in some way. They are very reflective and somewhat nostalgic. I feel overwhelmed at the moment with questions about the future. I've been investing so much into a career as a music teacher, but recently I've started recording my music and I've really taken much interest in it. I'm having second thoughts about my major; I've been so persistent on this major since my freshman year and I wonder if I've just been pretending that I want to be a teacher. It's a serious position and a serious workload. I'm responsible for kids learning stuff. Whereas recording, I'd just sit on a computer all day and help people get their music into audio files. I don't know.
The other thoughts on my mind pertain to women. I want to fall in love. My last relationship was a lie; that's an overstatement, but I rushed into the relationship because of the "butterfly" feelings and I never should have dated her. I pretended for so long that I loved her while in my mind I felt trapped and tormented. I feel awful as I look back at the toll it's taken on her and I wish I could make it all right. But back to my desire to fall in love. I want to be so in love with someone that I smile every time I see them, I can't contain myself when I think about them, and I get those feelings that don't go away. I'm sick of boring, old love. I want something new. I've learned a lot from my past relationship. Instead of jumping into another relationship, I've decided I'm going to take things much slower and get to know the person before we kiss, cuddle, whatever. I love those things and tonight I guess I'm realizing how much I miss those cute things like going on walks late at night, holding hands, or cuddling under the stars. But feelings can be deceptive and can lead to undesired relationships that take way too long to break off. I don't want that again.
My mind is also burdened with my ever-approaching graduation from college next year. I don't want to think about the real world yet. I'm still learning- about myself, about God, about life. I'm not ready to work 8-5, pay bills, go to bed early, and wake up the next day and do it all over again. I want to travel the world. I want to write music and tour the country (or maybe just a couple small venues). I want to get in shape again like I used to be in high school. I know I'm not fat, but I've lost some muscle and I feel so tenuous. Back to the point...I don't want to grow up. I like being 21; this is a great age.
So, this is quite a depressing post. Yet, I don't feel depressed...just reflective and obsolete. And I'm not even middle-aged.
------------------------------
All these empty glasses in this room remind me of my inability to move
But maybe that's the way I like to spend my time until I see what I've become in all this indolence.
But I don't feel depressed, I just needed someone to attest
and remind me that I have no one to hold me.
And if living life should be ecstasy then why can't I seem to agree
when all I feel is nothing. I want it to be something.
So many books I've planned to read, but never have time because I can't seem
to get myself away from what my hands are tied to.
I told myself I'd go to work, but there's a big idea I can't traverse
called getting off my sofa.
Maybe all I need is a nice cold shower to wake me from this sleep that devours all of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment