Lay down EVERY burden!

Hebrews 12: 1-2; 11-13
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God...For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore, lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed."

This is EXACTLY what I needed for today. I'm feeling super stressed and swamped. I've been worrying. But it's like God is saying, "Lay it down. I'll take the burden!" Since I have all of these examples of Christ-followers, I need to lay aside my burdens and my sins, and run with endurance this race, and keep my eyes on Jesus who found, and is perfecting, my faith. I need to look at Christ's example, who joyfully endured the cross- and look where He is now! He's seated at the right hand of God!

I am not enduring a cross, but I do have a full plate of student teaching assignments to do. God is disciplining me for righteousness. He's preparing me for His plans. I need to go about this with joy! Not stress or worrying. "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" So I will lift my drooping hands to my glorious Father, strengthen my weak knees to run with endurance, and make straight paths for my feet, not wandering off to temporary pleasures and treasures of this world! My eyes are on You Jesus! You found me and you are continually sanctifying me. Make me more like You.

God's Rest

God is so faithful. Tonight I finally had the freedom in my schedule to just sit down and dig into the Word, rather than the skim reading I've been doing. So I've been reading Hebrews and the writer keeps talking in chapter 4 about entering into God's "rest". I looked at cross-references and dug in and came to find that entering God's rest is entering God's presence. So I decided to get my guitar out and sing. I sang a couple songs, read some psalms, and then I was just HIT by the presence of God. It was amazing and completely real. The only thing I could utter was, "I am not worthy, but worthy is the Lamb." That's all I could think to say. And God was THERE. I haven't felt his presence like that in so long. It brought me to tears and I just sang my heart out to God.

I want life to be like that always. I want to feel His presence with me everywhere I go. There is a danger of worshiping that "feeling" more than worshiping the Lord, but we can't cut the feelings out of worship!!! Worship uses our emotions! As John Piper's ministry says, and is founded on, "God is more glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." In other words, the MOST WORSHIPFUL way of glorifying God is by enjoying Him and being in His presence.

Now, here's a question: Is it possible to feel God's presence all the time, or maybe more often than not? This is something I have questions about. In Scripture, the authors constantly get to the point that God is our strength in trials and persecution and suffering. Paul says in 2 Corinthians that we are sorrowful, yet always rejoicing, being poor but making many rich, having nothing yet possessing everything. So there's this sense that, in accordance with the world, we are sorrowful, poor, and have nothing. But with God, we have joy, riches, and everything we need.

Maybe this question is better- "Is it okay to be on a spiritual plateau?" Can we just accept that, yes, there will be times in our lives that we read scripture, pray, and just don't feel the presence of God? This past week was like that. I would be cautious to say that 'that's okay'. I don't think that it's okay to NOT feel the presence of God! There's something terribly wrong with that! We need God's presence more than anything else on this earth. So what do we do? We pray and dig in- as much as we can! We don't relent. And God is faithful. He will meet us if we come.

Now, are there purposes for spiritual plateaus in our lives? Of course. God may be teaching us things in these times, though we may not see it. God may be showing us that we need to trust in Him and not our own "works", such as Bible reading and journaling and prayer, to get by. Maybe we need to switch things up...jump to a new part of scripture, go on a walk in the woods, get off of facebook!

God is faithful and will meet us. But we must persevere and continue seeking Him. I'm so thankful for tonight and the fact that I can enter into His "rest".

Random thoughts/prayers. Hebrews 2: 1-4

Lately I just don't feel Him.
Lately my prayers seem to just bounce off the walls.
Lately I've been drinking from my own broken cisterns.

I need an awakening; a divine wake-up call.
I need to refresh; I need a new start.
Cleanse me, Lord; restore to me the JOY of my salvation.

My sin is always before me; against You and You only have I sinned.
Every day I am full of sin.
Who will save me from this flesh? Thanks be to Jesus Christ for His sacrifice!

I want this whole sanctification process to be faster and easier.
I just want one of those Staples easy buttons that solves all my problems.
I just want to glorify God with all that I do and forsake my sinfulness.
But I'm human and I stumble and I fall. I'm sick of failing.

I'm sick of workloads. I'm sick of teaching. I'm sick of portfolio crap. I'm sick of bull-crap papers that are pointless. I want to just go into a coma and not be bothered by any one for a week. I need to rest. I need to have fun. I need to get out. I need to sleep. I need thanksgiving break. I need friends.

I wish there were more time in the day. I want to play guitar more. I want to write more music. I want to write more poetry. I want to read more books.

This is, like, the most depressing blog ever. I'm not depressed...I'm just blahhhh...

I've been acquiring so much knowledge about God. But I don't feel Him. Lately the focus has been on WHY Jesus is the only way. And I've received responses from people that doubt the Bible's authenticity or say that Jesus' only message was love and the apostles just expanded on it too much when they wrote the Bible. People have sent me links to back up their points of view and I read everything they send. I research. I think for myself. I align with scripture. And I'm burnt out. My faith isn't shaken, but it's being weakened the more I burn myself out over this. I need to let this go for a bit and just trust. The Bible IS the Word of life. I believe it is. Nothing will shake that. No argument, no human. My devo's today reminded me of the authenticity of Jesus' message of salvation:

Hebrews 2: 1-4
"Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it. For since the message declared by angels proved to be reliable, and every transgression or disobedience received a just retribution, how shall we escape if we neglect such a great salvation? It was declared at first by the Lord, and it was attested to us by those who heard, while God also bore witness by signs and wonders and various miracles and by gifts of the Holy Spirit distributed according to his will."

I need to keep this in my focus always and chew on it so that I stand firm in it and don't drift away from this. The message is reliable (Christ is over all!) and every sin and conscious rebellion receives its just punishment, so therefore, how can we escape punishment if we ignore this salvation? This salvation is our hope! We must not lose sight of this: Christ paid the price of our sin and has drawn us into the Father's kingdom by his glorious grace.

This message was declared by the Lord, himself so we can't ignore his spoken Word! And in addition, hundreds of people saw Jesus after his resurrection and were eye-witnesses so there is more proof! Lastly, the signs, wonders, and miracles of Christ and the apostles, along with the spiritual gifts (willed by God), testify that this message of salvation is to be taken seriously and accepted!

So I'm just going to continue seeking the Lord and keeping my eyes fixed to the cross where my hope is found. Already, from the beginning of this blog to this sentence, I feel more at peace. I think I just needed to vent.

Thank you Lord for your kindness to me, that has led me to repentance again and again. And thank you for your grace that has washed me again and again. Continue to sanctify me Lord; I'm assured that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. I'm waiting for that day Lord and I will serve you with all that I am as if every day were my last.

Philippians 2: 14-16

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe, as you hold out the word of life- in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing."

Further instructions from Paul on how to live each day. I just love Philippians- it's soaked with commands of how to live a Christ-centered life and "work out your salvation". What I love about this chapter is that Paul talks about humility in the previous verses and then uses Christ as the pinnacle example of humility. He then writes of the glory of Christ and that we are to confess that Jesus is Lord and bow before him. Then Paul says "Therefore". Because of what Christ has done in humility and because of the glory of who He is, "continue to work out your salvation!" I love it- choice of words and everything. Salvation IS a one-time deal but it needs to be continually worked out in response to the gospel! What a seemingly paradoxical conclusion- but it's how we are to live!

So then, further instruction on how to work out salvation. Being joyful always! Do NOTHING while complaining. We're working for God- how could we grumble or bicker?! When you complain, people notice. It's not an amiable or attractive quality to have. We're called to shine like STARS in this universe. That's bright. We're not flashlights or fireflies that shine pretty bright but turn off after a little bit. We're STARS that never are to burn out or turn off. And the Holy Spirit sustains that light as we "hold out the word of life".

[Tangent] The Bible is the word of life- it's not a book about how you can be a better person; it's not a self-help book. It's a book about GOD, the story of redemption, bringing all the glory to Him. So we must read the Bible to know more of who God is and not go into it thinking, "Oh, David and Goliath- that's a story about how I can defeat things in my life." NO- that's a story that points to Christ because Christ is the greater David that defeated sin! (these are concepts I've taken from sermons of Matt Chandler and John Piper)

But the point is, we must CLING to the 'word of life' and be willing to SUFFER for it as Paul did. No one can separate us from the love of God. So, with that hope and security, we can have confidence in suffering to illuminate the gospel and glorify God.

my goal for october

I've set a new goal for my life: journal every day during my devo's. What I do is I read a chapter, pick out a verse that sticks out to me, and write that verse in my journal. Then I just reflect on the verse and make observations. Next I find practical, specific ways of applying it to my life. Finally I write out a prayer. Since I've been doing that for the past four days I feel it's really given me a better knowledge of my purpose each day. Today, for example, I found myself quoting my "verse for the day" and it really did make today that much better. So this was my journal entry this morning:
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Monday, October 4th, 2010
Phil. 2: 3-4
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

Observations:
This world is all about pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps and getting stuff done on your own- being an ambitious person. But Christians are called not to selfish ambition or vain conceit, but to put others first. What if my life reflected these verses? What kind of impact would that have? How would it affect my relationships?
If I looked to the interests of others, I would ask them how their day went and ACTUALLY listen when they answer back. I would bake cookies for my housemates just out of the blue. I would call up old friends just to see how they're doing. I would pay for the person's coffee behind me at the Dunkin Donuts drive-through. I would help an old lady put her groceries in her car. I would REALLY look different and I would shine the light of Christ in the community around me.

Application:
-make an effort to listen when I ask a question
-bake cookies for my housemates
-call up some old friends
-be aware of the needs around me
-next time at DD's, pay for coffee behind me

Prayer:
Lord, may my words and actions reflect your gospel. May I truly consider others greater than myself. May I love others as you have loved them. Thank you for the cross Lord. It's only by your grace that I am Your child and I want to look to the interests of others as a response to Your love. Overwhelm me with Your love. Continue Your sanctifying work in my life. Make me more like Jesus every day.
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So that's all it takes- half hour at least any time in the day. It's my challenge for the month of October and already I've seen incredible growth in my walk. I challenge anyone reading this to try it out. If you're not satisfied with your walk with the Lord, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Dig into His Word. And don't expect radical transformations overnight. It takes time. But some day you'll get to a point where you can look back and smile because of the grace of God and how he has been working in your life. He wants to show you more of who He is. And if you're not in His Word you have a SIGNIFICANTLY less chance of hearing from Him. As a good friend always said to me..."I'll get off my soapbox now."

the street preachers get it!

Inadequacy. That's all I feel today. I don't even know why. God has plans for me, but I just don't think that it involves music education.

I love music and I think it should undoubtedly be taught in the schools. But it's not my passion! There's only been a couple days where I've gone into school and been excited to teach kids music. It's just not a passion of mine. I want to share the gospel with the kids. I want to explain to them the infinite love of God, but unfortunately public schools don't allow me to mention such things. I know I could be a good music teacher. I know that I could have an impact on the students and teachers in my community. But the way I see it is that this life is short and I don't want to waste my time wishing I could open up to these kids about the gospel! I want to directly preach the gospel.

Now, if I choose to directly preach the gospel, I have to do just that. I have to be bold. I have to "always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks me to give the reason for the hope that I have." [1 Peter 3:15]

This past summer I was sitting in an applebee's with my friend and he said to me, "if you and I actually understood the vital fact that most of the people in this restaurant are going to hell, we'd want to do something about it! But the problem is...most Christians don't consciously think with that mindset." The truth is, the guy on the street corner gets it. He gets the urgency of the gospel. If you read Matthew 10, Jesus is PREACHING THE URGENCY OF THE GOSPEL! WE NEED TO GET OUT THERE! THE WORLD NEEDS THIS! But instead we sit in our little Christian bible studies and listen to our CCM radio and hang out with our church friends on weekends. WE NEED TO GET OUT THERE. I NEED TO GET OUT THERE. and TEACHING music, yes, it's out there in the world. But it's not my passion.

Preaching the gospel is my passion. Music is my passion. How can I combine the two? Well that's something I'm still praying about...

EDIT:
I do have to add that the one time in my life that I felt the most purpose was when I went to Dominican Republic this summer. I mean, God just was THERE. He was working and we could see it. Now how can I bring that purpose back overseas with me here?

thoughts of a frustrated student teacher

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This whole teaching thing isn't easy. I was definitely warned that there would be days where I come home and say, "wow, today was a fantastic day," and other days where I come home and want to change my major. Today is the latter.

I am so overwhelmed by so many things I need to improve on. When you're up in front of 60 students there is so much to think about! You have to keep everyone engaged, make sure you're conducting properly, know the music and cue sections when to come in, fix problems that arise, remind students to have good posture, remember your lesson plan and be willing to adapt to changes that happen, be authoritative and commanding, etc. etc. etc..................

I thought I did pretty well today; sure, there are things I need to work on. But I thought that I improved from last time. But when I got feedback from my teacher I realized all these things I'm doing wrong. I'm just so frustrated and feel like quitting.

But I also know that God has been pressing on my heart that I am going to face troubles in this life. It's not going to be easy. As I read my Bible each day I've been hearing His voice saying these things. I think He's preparing me for something big. I know He is. He has great plans for me and I simply want to glorify Him in all that I do- whatever that may be. But yesterday He spoke to me these verses:

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 - "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

This pertains to suffering, yes. I am not suffering, but I am not comfortable in this season of risk. But I am not losing heart because I know that inwardly God is renewing me day by day, though outwardly I am tired, grouchy, and fatigued. It is far better for me to be struggling this semester than to just breeze along without any problems. God never promises that we won't encounter problems. In fact, Jesus promised his disciples that they WOULD have troubles, yet we can be convinced that NOTHING will separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.

That is my hope.