Lately I just don't feel Him.
Lately my prayers seem to just bounce off the walls.
Lately I've been drinking from my own broken cisterns.
I need an awakening; a divine wake-up call.
I need to refresh; I need a new start.
Cleanse me, Lord; restore to me the JOY of my salvation.
My sin is always before me; against You and You only have I sinned.
Every day I am full of sin.
Who will save me from this flesh? Thanks be to Jesus Christ for His sacrifice!
I want this whole sanctification process to be faster and easier.
I just want one of those Staples easy buttons that solves all my problems.
I just want to glorify God with all that I do and forsake my sinfulness.
But I'm human and I stumble and I fall. I'm sick of failing.
I'm sick of workloads. I'm sick of teaching. I'm sick of portfolio crap. I'm sick of bull-crap papers that are pointless. I want to just go into a coma and not be bothered by any one for a week. I need to rest. I need to have fun. I need to get out. I need to sleep. I need thanksgiving break. I need friends.
I wish there were more time in the day. I want to play guitar more. I want to write more music. I want to write more poetry. I want to read more books.
This is, like, the most depressing blog ever. I'm not depressed...I'm just blahhhh...
I've been acquiring so much knowledge about God. But I don't feel Him. Lately the focus has been on WHY Jesus is the only way. And I've received responses from people that doubt the Bible's authenticity or say that Jesus' only message was love and the apostles just expanded on it too much when they wrote the Bible. People have sent me links to back up their points of view and I read everything they send. I research. I think for myself. I align with scripture. And I'm burnt out. My faith isn't shaken, but it's being weakened the more I burn myself out over this. I need to let this go for a bit and just trust. The Bible IS the Word of life. I believe it is. Nothing will shake that. No argument, no human. My devo's today reminded me of the authenticity of Jesus' message of salvation:
Hebrews 2: 1-4
"Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it. For since the message declared by angels proved to be reliable, and every transgression or disobedience received a just retribution, how shall we escape if we neglect such a great salvation? It was declared at first by the Lord, and it was attested to us by those who heard, while God also bore witness by signs and wonders and various miracles and by gifts of the Holy Spirit distributed according to his will."
I need to keep this in my focus always and chew on it so that I stand firm in it and don't drift away from this. The message is reliable (Christ is over all!) and every sin and conscious rebellion receives its just punishment, so therefore, how can we escape punishment if we ignore this salvation? This salvation is our hope! We must not lose sight of this: Christ paid the price of our sin and has drawn us into the Father's kingdom by his glorious grace.
This message was declared by the Lord, himself so we can't ignore his spoken Word! And in addition, hundreds of people saw Jesus after his resurrection and were eye-witnesses so there is more proof! Lastly, the signs, wonders, and miracles of Christ and the apostles, along with the spiritual gifts (willed by God), testify that this message of salvation is to be taken seriously and accepted!
So I'm just going to continue seeking the Lord and keeping my eyes fixed to the cross where my hope is found. Already, from the beginning of this blog to this sentence, I feel more at peace. I think I just needed to vent.
Thank you Lord for your kindness to me, that has led me to repentance again and again. And thank you for your grace that has washed me again and again. Continue to sanctify me Lord; I'm assured that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. I'm waiting for that day Lord and I will serve you with all that I am as if every day were my last.
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